A fraction of the whole.

Dear Ethan,

Something died in me the day you decided to leave. What she said to me on the phone morphed into slow vibrations, as reality pulled itself away from me. I stood rooted to the ground, and stared into the vortex of zero. My greatest fear had come true, the one that has been a recurring thought in my head. The fear of losing any of my half-siblings, before we catch up on the times that were missing in our past. I wanted to understand you better, your beliefs and doubts, your dreams and aspirations, your vices and flaws, your pain and agony, your happiness and well-being. I yearned for a brother, a kinship like close knitted threads embroidered on layers of cloth, which would represent the years that had gone by. Your absence in the past 4 years, as a result of a fall-out between you and the Father, stirred a whirlpool of emotions inside me. 

Honestly, I blame the lack of initiative on my part, I literally had the best seat to watch this dreadful situation fall apart. I took it with a pinch of salt, assuming things will resume to its normality once you decide to talk to him again. However, things took a turn for the worse, when you stopped talking to sis too. She is the only person that I can find out about your whereabouts and stuff. Common questions such as “what is your brother working as?”, or “where does he stay?” is tough to answer in a comprehensive and straightforward manner. So usually, my choice of answer would always be “I don’t know?”. I am not ignorant, Ethan, I am sliding. You’ve killed the hope. THE hope. That everything is gonna be alright. NO! It’s all gone! We’re gonna crash. So fuckin’ hard, it’s worse than your death. 

I’m only me. The one that you used to watch out for. Though your reflection has changed forever, my heart longs for a reunion. Blood will always run thicker than water.

Love always,

Ben